Posted by: dinainsuburbia | January 18, 2009

hard time.

I have a hard time being around women that can get pregnant so easily.   I don’t mean to be such a bitch about it, but I do.  It’s been a long 14 months now, trying to get pregnant- and I can’t help feel pissed, helpless, broken and just defeated.  All these emotions are no good to be carrying around; they do nothing for my spirit- or my emotional outlook, for that matter.   I’m trying to not “be selfish”.  I know there are plenty of couples that have problems conceiving their first, so why should I be entitled to number two?

That’s what is so lonely about secondary infertility: those who have problems conceiving their first have no pity on you, those who have no problem conceiving period just don’t get it; try harder they say… or, don’t think about it, or just have sex on “these” specific days, or just relax.   When you have secondary infertility, who do you complain to? Who do you vent to?  Who do you talk to, and honestly say, I feel broken, I feel hopeless.  How do you get back that hope? 

On one hand, I can see myself spending all I have to go through IVF and have another child.  On the other hand, I almost feel like I can take that same money, and just be done with it; take out all my reproductive organs and never have to live through a two week wait again.

This past cycle hit me like a ton of bricks.  I really thought this was it; I was late and I thought I finally had the positive pregnancy test I’ve been praying for every Sunday.  I wrote it in the fucking petition book in Church for christ sakes. Isn’t the power of prayer supposed to work?  I hate to be such a sad sack, but I simply feel abandoned.   Abandoned by God; and maybe that’s harsh, but I really feel that way.  It isn’t pretty, to lose hope.  

What’s worse, is no one understands, no one can say, I’ve been there.  I don’t know anyone that’s been through secondary infertility.  And everyone around me is super fertile, so they can’t help.  

I pray I get answers.  I hope I have the strength to make it through this test.  It’s really, really difficult…

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Responses

  1. Hi there! Came across your blog through the tags & just wanted to say…I understand what you’re going through – TOTALLY. I’ve been there. I still am there. I’ve felt broken, hopeless, cheated, angry etc. I’ve basically felt everything you’re feeling and then some. So, please know, that you are most definitely not alone! Secondary infertility is just as unfair as primary infertility — no matter what anyone says. I am getting ready for my 3rd IVF as we speak – it’s been a rough journey – but my desire for another baby is as strong as ever. Anyway…if you have any questions about IVF or just feel like venting…my blog is just a click away! Good luck to you and best wishes.

  2. what do you mean no one understands? first of all, you know what i had to go through to get pregnant the first time. and second, i’ve been off birth control for over a year now and been trying for over a year now and unlike you, instead of being disappointed with one period every month i’m disappointed with two periods a month. this is the second time now that we’ve been trying for a year and nothing. and i can’t even get an iui right now because i have no health insurance. the only difference is i know what my reproductive problems are. you need to find out what your problem is. and there are plenty of times i think to myself that i should be happy with the kid i have because at the rate things are going, she may be the only one. and if she is, i’ll have to just accept that. and i felt abadoned by god when i was 10. so when you tell me to have faith, this is why i don’t. but if you give up hope, nothing will come of it. everything happens for a reason and maybe there’s a reason it hasn’t happened yet for you. when it’s meant to happen it will but giving up hope isn’t going to help anything. cry if you need to but when you’re done crying you have to come up with a different approach or at lesat see a doctor who can come up with one for you.


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