Posted by: dinainsuburbia | December 17, 2008

Not sure, what’s an appropriate title..

It’s almost 6:00 AM.  I’ve been up for a half hour now.  I woke with the tell-tale signs; slight cramping on my right side which, upon waking, got worse.  At first I thought, “hmmmm…. maybe I’m pregnant.”  But that hope was fleeting because the pain became too strong, too angry.  I got up and went to the bathroom and confirmed my suspicions.  Yup- period.  Now, I’m waiting for the Advil to kick in.  Hurry up so I can go back to bed!

At least this month I didn’t waste money on home pregnancy tests.  Maybe I knew that it wasn’t our month?  Maybe I’ve started to give up hope.  It’s been over a year since we started trying and now, our second failed IUI cycle.  

I haven’t been writing about my fertility issues because, well, I think I’ve been in denial that I even HAVE fertility issues.  It was relatively easy to get pregnant with Maddie.  Once we got my cycles regulated, I got pregnant on the 2nd month (although, it did take about 7-8 months to get my cycles regulated).  The irony is now my cycles ARE pretty regulated.  But… nothing.

I’m trying not to be greedy… I know I already have one beautiful daughter.  But, John and I want to give Maddie a brother or a sister.  I want her to have a partner in crime.  And while, yes, it will be nice for her to have someone to play with… it’s not even why I want her to have a sibling.  It’s for down the road- when she’s in her 20s, hopefully 30s, and John and I are older.  That’s when she’ll want a sibling.  Shit- I wish I had a sibling (yes- I DO have siblings that I love very much).. but I’m talking about a sibling that I grew up with, that I could commiserate with.  That I can say, “how annoying is mom being” to… and I don’t have that.  Maybe, like everything, the grass is always greener. 

I know what everyone is going to say today- it isn’t meant to be.  It will happen in God’s time.  It will happen when you relax (the most annoying offender).  All the annoying things that make me grit my teeth and my blood boil.  It isn’t because I know these sayings aren’t true- I know they’re true- it’s just that still, it isn’t enough of an answer.  Plus- they’re just those stock sayings that people pull out when they don’t know what else to say to make the pain go away.

I’ve read once that a woman being infertile that causes the same level of depression as having some cancers.  Now, I’m not sure if that’s true- at least for me- but it is definitely a major mind fuck.  This morning, I’ll have to tell my waking husband that, once again, it isn’t so- and I’ll once again feel like a failure- like the weight of this is on my shoulders.  But, not to be all doom and gloom, we do have our health and we do have each other, and that has to count for something, doesn’t it?  Maybe if I keep telling that to myself, it will make me feel a little better.

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Responses

  1. Best wishes in your quest for baby #2 🙂

    I know there’s no right thing to say (my sister is currently on her first IVF), but I’m sure everyone you know is hoping along with you.

    Siblings are great. I couldn’t imagine my life without my sister. And you’re right- they matter more once you get older. We never got along very well until we both moved out and became best friends.

    Again-best of luck to you!

  2. I’m so hoping this happens to you! I’m keeping you and John (and Maddie) in my thoughts! Dynee


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