There’s a point in pregnancy when you go from just knowing you are pregnant to actually feeling you are pregnant. I’m talking feeling beyond the morning sickness, the food aversions, the tiredness, or myriad other shit symptoms of pregnancy… I’m talking about actually feeling the little bugger from the inside. The increasing bubbles and flutters that become kicks and punches seemingly overnight.
When pregnant with Madeline, the change from knowing to feeling was a relief… after all, I really only received three sonograms my entire pregnancy. All I had to rely on to assure myself I was still pregnant was the fact that my period didn’t come and that I still felt slightly off: tired, grouchy, and… well, fatter. Once I started feeling Maddie on a regular basis, I say around 20-21 weeks, John and I would lay beside each other each night marveling over each little elbow or knee or foot that shook my stomach. We would wonder who this child was… what she would look like… who she would become, and most importantly HOW we were going to be as parents- would we be OK.. would be suck? Were we damning our child to future endless hours of psychotherapy?
This pregnancy, being what it is, I’ve been under constant supervision: a sonogram every two weeks allowing me to double check on the little one… giving me a glimpse into its secret world. Having a constant intrusive eye on this little one makes me a little less nervous. And, having a toddler at home to monopolize our time (she doesn’t get the nick name “boss” for nothing) doesn’t really allow John and I to dream who this little one is at any great length. Don’t get me wrong or misunderstand.. it isn’t that we aren’t curious or that we don’t care… it’s just that Madeline.. err boss.. doesn’t really give us the time to philosophically ponder over the new little one’s nature. It is impossible.
For the past week or so, though, this little one has been making itself known… thumping and bumping me from the inside- it is as if s/he is already asserting its place in the family. I might be cuddling Maddie pre-bedtime and I get a little jab as if s/he is saying, “soon I’ll be in your world and your hugs will have to be good enough for two.” A tiny disruptive force that is growing and getting ready to wreck a little havoc on the family life we have all gotten so used to.
As the months tick by I can’t help but feel emotional and confused. Knowing how much I want this little one, how hard John and I worked to make him/her happen… but a little sad for Maddie, that her world is going to change so much. That although I may be feeling the thumps and bumps now, this little one will be thumping and bumping her life, too. I know this is typical stuff- that most moms pregnant with their second go through this anxiety for their first child. I suppose it is because when you love something with 1000% of your whole heart, you can’t imagine loving anything else as much. I know we will, of course… that it is one of God’s greatest gifts- the human heart’s capacity to love… it is unmeasurable and limitless… but it is the unknowing that is scary.
When I feel the tiny thumps, I tell the little one, don’t worry- we’ll love you too.. there is room for you here. Hopefully “boss” won’t be too hard on you. Hopefully you won’t be too hard on her.
