Ugh.. what a week.  It’s Friday eve and I just can’t wait for Saturday to hurry up and GET here already.

Maddie has come down with some strange, viral cough that’s making its way through school-age children everywhere; every kid at the doctor’s office yesterday was hacking a lung.  Not pretty.  At the night, the cough turns nasty… croup-ish.  You know, all barking seal.  As I type I hear her barking away; before you call CPS, she’s with her Daddy.. I’m not neglecting her!

She’s been on the nebulizer every 4 or 5 hours since Tuesday night.  It seems to be of some help, although I wish there was something I could give her to make the frequency of her hacking just slightly less, for her sanity and for mine.  For a kid that’s coughing every, say, 17 seconds, she’s in pretty good spirits.  She’s still playing, insisting on dressing up and changing outfits.  She’s missed school Wednesday and will miss again tomorrow… I feel a little bad for her- but I don’t want to be “THAT” mother that sends the kid to school hacking.   After all it’s pre-school.. she’s not going to miss anything life-changing.

Had two doctor appointments this week… one perinatologist, one OB.  The peri is switching me off the Lovenox and onto twice-daily Heparin injections.  Apparently Lovenox stays in the system longer, and wouldn’t allow me to get a spinal for the c-section… nice.  We’re all a little bit nervous since I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and had Maddie at 36 weeks, 4 days.  Everything that started to happen with Maddie is happening again; my blood pressure is starting to creep up and my hands/feet are starting to swell.  I have an appointment with my OB on Monday- I’ll have done a 24-hour urine collection Sunday through Monday to check for toxemia… hopefully everything will be OK.  Tuesday I visit the peri to learn how to shoot myself with the Heparin.

The good news is the baby is big- mid 6 pounds.. already a pound on its sister at birth.  I saw from the sonogram earlier this week that the baby is also starting to practice breathing.  Another good sign.

Of course, now I feel like I’m starting to come down with whatever Maddie has (it sure doesn’t help that we’ve all been sleeping in the same bed, right)?

In between all of this Maddie has her first dentist appointment on Monday (hopefully she’ll have stopped hacking) and on Wednesday we’re supposed to go see the new Disney Princess movie in NYC- The Princess and the Frog. Afterwards we’re going to the Roseland for a “Disney Princess” experience.   Hopefully the whole thing will be worth the $50/ticket.

There are some last minute odds-and-ends that have to get done in the nursery.  I went through all the clothing I had from Maddie and pulled whatever was gender neutral.. if this baby is a boy major shopping will have to take place!  There is still nothing on the walls- hopefully John will address that this weekend (the never ending honey-do list).

Of course Thanksgiving is in the middle of this too.. might as well just keep piling it on, right?

On top of all the baby/health/Maddie stuff, I’m sort of in the middle of some type of friend crisis.. or, a crisis on my part.  Who knows, it could be my current emotional state, but I’ve been so sad about this all week.  And angry.  It is the disappointment of thinking you had one kind of friend, and then realizing you had another.  I feel like I’m walking around with a black pit in my stomach that makes me want to alternate between cursing out and crying.. so I’ve done neither.  I suppose it’s just best to leave the whole thing alone and see what happens.  If this person does eventually “come around” I’ll have to figure out what to do then.. to start the cycle again, and let this person back into my life… or not.  I just can’t help but think a real friendship shouldn’t be this difficult.  Or painful.

If I don’t write for a few days- then assume I’ve given birth….  I’ll update when I can.

I’m 35 weeks pregnant today.  I’m exhausted.  This child is literally sucking the life force from me.  I don’t recall it being this horrible with Maddie- I had energy in leaps-and-bounds right up until the end (which was early- 36 weeks).

This kid is pretty big, too- already 5 lbs, 12 ounces- one ounce shy of Maddie’s weight when she was born!  Sleeping is out of the question- and I know it will be out of the question for the next.. say.. 3 months.  Fuck.

I just want to sleep. I want to lay in bed and not hear, “mommy, I need to pee” or “mommy ,I want juice” or “mommy, I need to be Snow White.”  (yes.. NEEDS to be Snow White.. have you ever?).

And damn, I feel guilty- Maddie doesn’t know that I’m so tired I want to cry- that with every fiber of my being I’m fighting through to make dinner, finish Christmas shopping.. heck.. just putting her on the potty is effort!

But WAIT- that’s right dear readers- WE ARE POTTY TRAINED!!!!  I’m not sure how it happened- it really had nothing to do with me, I think it was Maddie’s preschool teacher (she needs an extra special Christmas gift this year).. anyway, just a few days before her 3rd birthday and BAM!  Big girl underwear.  How sweet it is!

As excited as I am .. well, I”m tired- so I can’t be THAT excited about anything.  Shit, I can’t even stay up to watch our DVRd Dexter.  Totally blows.

Yesterday was Maddie’s third birthday.  Three years of having wormed her way into our lives; winding her fingers around every aspect of mine and John’s being, there’s no way to go back to what we “once where”, (whatever that ‘once was’ actually was- I have a hard time imagining what my life could have possibly been like without her).

Sure, the first few weeks of her life had me mourning the loss of mine, unprepared for the unbelievable change that is required to go from “me first thinking” to “baby first thinking”; it actually hurts a little.. emotionally, that is.  Looking back three years later, it’s almost a little comical- and has Maddie has been growing, I’ve been growing, too.  As a person, and of course as a mother.

Yesterday morning, Maddie leapt into bed with me -snuggling in for a few precious minutes of squirm-free cuddle time.  I thought about how I could stay like that forever.. just laying with her in our own little “world”- listening to the sound of her breathing… petting her head.  One day she’ll probably give me the brush off, right?  In a few weeks, our little world will have one more- a demanding infant forcing itself into our world.. me, John, and Maddie… I *think* she’ll be OK… but you can never really be that prepared for a family addition.. and none of us even know this little stranger, yet.

Maddie has grown so much this year- going to pre-school and finally LIKING it (yes, I’m happy to report NO MORE TEARS) and she’s pretty much fully potty trained now (I’d say 75%- she still wears pull-ups at night).  You know, she wound up really potty training on her own- after all my pushing her, all the angst and the fear that she would , indeed, be the first child to go to college in diapers- she did it when SHE was ready.. which is really what EVERYONE said..

Of course, I think my daughter is the most beautiful, smartest, toddler to walk to the Earth- I’m sure I’m biased, but I’m sure blessed that she picked us to be born to!

Is culminations even a word?  I highly doubt it- but whatever.

I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant- hence the dwelling on all things culminating.  Not only will this pregnancy be coming to an end, but our little family of three will also be coming to an end.

Now, of course not all endings are bad- but I think this will be bitter sweet.  We’ll be forced back into the days of hauling tons and tons o’ baby gear with us every where we go:  Infant car seat, snap & go, diaper bag filled with diapers, burp cloths, change of clothing, blanket, all manners of ointments and topicals, and not to mention some type of storage/travel for the formula (no I’m not breastfeeding so back off).   It seems so EASY with Maddie- I keep a clean shirt/pant combo in the car for her- God Forbid- and a few diapers (because, NO my almost three-year-old is NOT potty trained- back off on that too, while your at it, potentially judgmental blog reader).  Anything else we need can easily be gotten at any local 7-11 (such as juice, snacks, sedatives.. ha ha).

I feel a little bit guilty about dwelling on this- for sure I didn’t feel this way with Madeline because I, quite stupidly, didn’t know any better.  I didn’t realize the beginning of a child’s life causes the mother to deal with night sweats (from all the pregnancy hormones evacuating the body), the “baby blues” (otherwise known as- I feel like I’m fucking crazy, God help me), and the fact that you’re severely sleep deprived (ever wonder why they just didn’t make the Gitmo detainees take care of  a bunch of newborns.. serious. fucking. torture). 

I also didn’t realize that I would be in Babies R Us every 13 seconds- an occurance I am HOPING to avoid this time around.  I don’t know if it’s just the  Babies R Us by me- but the fucking lines in that place.  SERIOUSLY!

Maddie will be turning 3 in two weeks- more of a big-kid than a baby at this point (if only she’d potty train).. she’s already started arguing with me.. a character train I’m sure she’ll keep the rest of her life (to be sure, I have kept my argumentative nature, no?).

Her big birthday celebration is coming up in 2 weeks- a Disney princess party- I’m so excited.  I think we’re also going to take Maddie to American Girl Cafe in New York City- she wants a Chrissa doll, and from what I understand it’s the “doll of the year”- she won’t stick around forever- so I thought that could be a fun birthday present/experience for Maddie.  Granted- she’s totally spoiled, but I feel like I sort of HAVE to- it’s her last “single child” birthday!

I haven’t posted about Maddie’s experience with nursery school yet as it is still an ongoing saga.  I knew the transition to nursery school was going to be super, duper tough.  Even though Maddie’s in the same room, and with the same teacher, she was in last year for the non-separation “2’s” class we did last year, nursery school has been a bit of a tough ride for Maddie.

We’re in our 3rd week and she still cries blood-curdling, you’re-killling-my-pet, screams; if I didn’t know the other mothers I’d be completely and utterly horrified.  I’m surprised no one has called the cops on us!  Of course I know the minute Maddie goes inside the classroom she settles down and gets right into an activity.  But damn, those 30 seconds (that seem like 30 years) of screaming cries break my heart every damn time.

I’m hoping we only have another week of this and then she’ll go in willingly.  I can’t imagine she’ll do this for the whole year (please God.. please don’t allow her to do this all year…).  It would be better if at least I could drink; take a shot of tequila before drop off or something.. damn this pregnancy!

And of course… the pregnancy.. I’m overwhelmed!  First- just the thought of having 2 kids makes me nervous enough to want to hide in the closet.  Worse, I’m having an attack that nothing is done.. nesting anyone?   I don’t think I went into nesting mode with Maddie, but this time around the need for order is compelling me and pissing me off.  Of course, John doesn’t “get it”… and since nothing was done before Maddie was born, and we survived, I’m sure he doesn’t have the same sense of urgency I do.  But, for the love of god, I just want the nursery set up already!

I had this genius idea to do a wall of letters, but instead of the first name, to do the entire alphabet.  This seems to have been a lofty goal; to date, I only have 4 letters (B, L, Q and V to be exact) and the only craft store by my house sucks wang.  I can’t believe the closest Michaels and AC Moore is like 15 miles away.  Ummm… this is Long Island, right? 

Here’s a list of all the other shit.. um stuff.. I need but do not have:

• bedding
• sheets
• changing pad covers
• bins to go under the changing table I bought
• new burp cloths (the though of using old ones sort of disgusts me)
• a hamper
• new nipples for the glass bottles I used for Maddie
• some type of bassinett or moses blanket or something for new arrival to bed down in- am I the only one that hated that darn co-sleeper?
• frames for artwork (using bits & pieces of Maddie’s finger paintings, school projects, etc.)
• those fucking alphabet letters

It seems like a lot, no?  Or maybe it isn’t THAT much… but when outlined in a list, is enough to make me want to crawl into a ball and hibernate.  Shit.

Anyone want to volunteer and help my ass figure this all out?

OK, so we’re all a little sick of hearing about health insurance… I totally get it.  The issue of health insurance is certainly in the forefront of the national psyche right now- of course, for good reason- it’s completely messed up.

I understand people are afraid of change- that’s basic psychology.. but the current system, as we know it, is just broken.  I think the whole thing should be chucked and we should throw insurance out the window as they are really the root of the entire problem (’cause really, should health be a ‘for profit’ industry?  I think not).

But, my thoughts and feelings on the subject isn’t what this blog is about (although, I AM totally for a public option- it’s necessary).  What this blog IS about is the waste and inefficiencies within the health care and health insurance system.

Dealing with health insurance has become almost a full-time job.  I’m in the middle of a high-risk pregnancy at the same time my husband came into a new job and off COBRA and into a much, much worse policy thanks to his new employer.  Of course, this policy drove me nuts, because we have no choice but to take it.. and it has a very high deductible before anything but basic preventative care if paid for.  This policy also has no out-of-network benefits.. so we’re basically stuck with the doctors THEY say we can see.

Anyway, because of the high-risk pregnancy, and the fact that my perinatologist is out-of-network, I was allowed to stay on the COBRA policy by myself.  Although, getting to this was a long, hard road.  It was completely difficult to get anyone at the COBRA administration company to do anything for me; most service associates answered questions off the top of their heads without doing any research, or they passed me off to the “correct department” so they didn’t have to deal with me (in quotes because the correct department really isn’t ever correct).

The situation as to what I was supposed to do changed at least 2 or 3 times:  first that we had to stay on COBRA as a family, or my husband had to die, or we had to get divorced.. then it was I could stay on it by myself (which is what eventually happened) even though I wasn’t the original policy holder. 

Without rehashing every single phone call, discussion, email and fax that was made.. the point is, there is SO much waste- so much bureaucracy… so much paper pushing that is completely and totally a waste and ineffective because MOST people don’t know what they are doing.  There has to be a way to cut this waste and save money.. some how.

My husband sprung a last-minute work dinner on me… not only did I have to scramble for something to wear (because really- being gigantically pregnant I have SOOO many options) I also had to scramble for a sitter.

My mom had a gig- so she was out.  My step-mom had a date with her girlfriends.  My step sister is about to pop at any moment- all I need is her watching my kid and then having her go into labor… seriously, she can go at any second.   So that left me with my dad and my step dad.. both excellent choices- but I’ve never used either one of them without their respective spouses. 

In the end, I went with my Dad.  I totally sprung it on him last minute- like 3pm (“Dad- um, can you come over and watch the baby from 6.30-9.30?).  Thankfully my step mom was out- so it’s not like he had anything better to do or a hot meal waiting for him at home.  For the price of one small salad and a stuffed shells from the local pizza place he was all mine ($16- SCORE). 

You know what- it went really well- and it made me really happy when Maddie was sad that Grandpa had to go home (because, you know she was still up when I got home at 9.30- great)… I want her to be able to hang out with her grandpa.. When I was her age, my maternal grandpa was my absolute favorite in the world.. I think having that type of figure in her life is so important… it was for me!  When my dad left she said to me, “mommy, call grandpa on the phone and get him back!”.. it was the cutest EVER!

This morning, I had Maddie’s pre-school orientation… wow- pre-school!  Where did the time go?  How did my little 5 pound 13 ounce peanut turn into a loud-talking, ready-to-go-to-school, three year old?  Who hit the damn fast forward button the minute she took her first breath?  It’s just not FAIR!

Anyway-orientation was great.. I already know a lot of the other moms (and children) from last year’s two-year-old program… making it a little less scary for me AND Maddie!  Maddie’s teacher vows to help me get her potty training under control (thank God) and everyone else just seems completely cool!  I even signed up for the PTA!  Yikes!

We’re totally in potty purgatory right now.  Maddie knows what to do- understands the signs of when she has to go.  Sometimes she goes on the potty… sometimes she doesn’t.

I think that the training pull-up pants are nothing more than glorified diapers.  She makes no attempt to even bother not peeing in them.  Their only good is that they are A) princess designed and B) turn purple when she wets (great.. so I know when to change her- means nothing to her).

She is completely freaked out about making a poop on the potty- but when she goes in the diaper she wants to see it (um, is she bonding with it)… I tell her that if she wants to see her poops then she has to go on the potty. 

Of course, pre-school starts Monday and she isn’t trained- although she is supposed to be.  We know the teacher, so I know she won’t kick Maddie out and will probably be more of a help with training than I am (after all, she’s done this before, right?).. what makes it worse is like every single other kid in the class is trained.  Great- I feel like a total failure…. I can feel the stares now, “what’s wrong with her that she couldn’t train her kid?”

Hopefully we’re JUST around the corner from training… I HOPE!!!

It is the first question anyone asks upon meeting a new baby for the first time, “who does he/she look like?”  Pre-Maddie, I never really could ascertain which parent a baby looked like- I was always slightly embarrassed and would have to take a shot in the dark.  Lets face it- which ever “side” you go with, someone is going to be disappointed.  Nine months of anticipation and you want that kid to look like you!

I think having Maddie gave me the ability to see parents in their children.  Most recently, the birth of 3 of my friends’ children left me with such obvious pronouncements (2 like the father, 1 like the mother).  Looking at the child, you see the “essence” almost of the dominant parent for a flicker of a moment.. and then it all passes and the baby is just…well.. a baby; a new, sweet, sentient being that just sort of showed up here as if from an alien planet-  all big eyed and able to rapture adults with their mysterious powers!

I remember reading in a book somewhere- maybe a novel- that babies know “all” at birth- the very essence and mystery of life.  I’d like to believe that- those first 3-4 days post-birth when Maddie was in the NICU, there wa sa knowing in her eyes; almost a spooky, supernatural intelligence.

Now almost 3, that spookiness is all gone.  Friends and strangers still say how much Madeline resembles me.. and of course that makes me proud.  But, the older she gets the less I can see of myself in her.  Not because I am not there- of course I am, and her Daddy too.. but because her personality is taking over.  She is asserting herself and the adult that is one day to be is taking shape right behind those almost 3-year-old eyes.  It’s truly a marvel to watch.

Soon another little being will be here- taking its rightful place in this family and in the world, as if always here (and maybe he/she has always been here – always with us, but just now willed into existence by love and wanting so strong, it pulled the being from the heavens and into existence)… I wonder who he/she will resemble, whose genetics will win out this time?  Either way (John or I) I can’t wait!!

My laptop is still under repair.. I’m starting to get major withdrawal symptoms, and it’s totally no fun using my husbands old-ass Dell (even though my Powerbook is equally as old).

I still have a bunch of photos in my camera that I can’t upload- which stinks.

The latest and greatest are:

1) Maddie went #2 in the potty this AM- totally shocking- thought she was going to do another teeny tiny pee- and there was a log in there!  We’re getting somewhere!

2) Grandparents were up from FLA for a visit- had a great time- and took awesome 4-generation pictures at Picture People- something to treasure always (although still can’t figure out how everyone – my mom, grandma, and daughter- all have curly hair, and I do not).

3) baby is kicking more & and more.. sort of hurts sometimes though- maybe it IS a boy?