I’m coming out…

Of the pregnancy closet.  Of course, most of my family and closest family members already know… we aren’t really able to keep secrets, but I wanted to wait to come out on the blog until 12 weeks.

This morning John & I went in for the NT scan and thank God everything is looking normal.  We are due December 13th but will more than likely go a week early for a repeat c-section.

Since I did blog a few times regarding my fertility issues, I will share with you what worked this cycle vs. all the others. 

This last successful cycle I was on 1500 mg of Metformin to regulate my sugars and help egg quality. By the time I ovulated, I was about 3 months into taking the Metformin.  I say this as Metformin does have cumulative effects (or so I was told).  In addition to the Metformin, I was on Metanx- a “medical food” of folic acid, B6 and B12 vitamins.  Apparently, people with the blood clotting disorders I have are unable to convert synthetic folates into active folates that can be used by the body.  Metanx is an active folate.. and, lucky for me, not covered by insurance!

Of course, I cannot forget the Lovenox blood thinners, which I am still on, and which I fully attribute this cycle’s success on.  I will not lie- the Lovenox is a real bitch-the shots are progressively getting worse.. more and more painful and this morning I had to resort to icing down my stomach before injecting.  If the shots DO keep this baby healthy, then the shots are worth it.

To round out the pills- I also took a baby asprin and a pre-natal vitamin (the perinatologist just also added 1000mg of calcium… which are horse pills- sooo lucky).

This cycle I triggered on cycle day 11 and had two back-to-back AM IUIs on day 12 and 13.  I know I ovulated on day 13 (thanks to ovulation pain) so we “did the deed” that evening (I also noticed a lot of egg-white cervical mucus.. TMI I know).  I had two good sized follies on my left side and I was super nervous for twins.

The Monday before my first Beta I had brown and light pink spotting and cramping in my upper thighs (exactly mirroring normal pre-period cramps).  I really thought I was out and had a minor hissy fit, exclaiming that I was not going to go on with the treatments as it was negatively effecting my emotional state (which, it really was- props to all the ladies out there that have to do WAY more to get pregnant).  When I went in for the Beta that Wednesday morning, I fully expected to be “out” and was way surprised when the doc called and said it was positive.

My Betas went up nicely and I was released from my RE around 7 1/2 weeks to an Ob/GYN and a perinatologist that I am seeing every 2 weeks to monitor blood flow and potential clots.

I want to send a HUGE thanks and shout out to Dr. Braverman, the man that found all my issues and got me preggers… if you need a fert doc and live on Long Island, I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend him… his website is www.haveababy.com.

Without further ado- a sonogram from this morning:

 

no love for lovenox!

I’ve posted before about lovenox.  I complained about how annoying this drug is- the bruising, the slight burning at the injection site.  Heck, just the total pain in the ass it is to have to stab yourself in the gut every night and inject something.  It sucks.

You know what else sucks?  The price.

We are currently in “we don’t have COBRA yet limbo”.  I’m not sure what the fucking hold up is (oh- if you’re shocked at the language- please know I’m good and pissed about this- so the f-bombs will be flying).  John’s been laid off since December 19th.  The legislation Obama signed, effectively subsidising 65% of COBRA costs was signed February 16th.  Why don’t we have the paper work yet? 

John ’s been in contact with the HR “professional” many times (in quotes because I for the life of me don’t understand why this woman cannot do her job).  Apparently, it isn’t “their” job- it’s Ceridian’s job to get the COBRA info out to all the people who were let go.  Ceridian apparently doesn’t have their shit together. 

We were told that once we do get the COBRA paperwork, and once we pay (of course) that our benefits would be retroactive to 4/1 and to just keep all our receipts.  That was fine and dandy when it came to paying $40 out of pocket for Madeline’s antibiotic cream for the pacifier-induced lip rash she currently has.  NOT fine when i’m told by Caremark that the Lovenox refill is $35/dose!  Yup- $35 per FUCKING INJECTION.  Meaning I have to put $1050 on me AmEx!  And it isn’t like I have a choice- I have to take the Lovenox. 

Quite frankly, I’m not even CONVINCED that the coverage is going to be retroactive.  And what I’m REALLY afraid of, is that the insurance company is going to fuck us with a “pre-existing” condition because we paid a month out-of-pocket.  Who can you trust?  Who can you turn to for answers?  I have no idea! 

I would also like to know HOW ON GOD’S EARTH Lovenox is worth $35/dose?  How did the pharma company even COME UP with that number?  And quite frankly, if it were say, $10 a dose- maybe people could afford it.  Maybe we wouldn’t even need health insurance!  (I’m not going to continue this rant- I’ve been down that road before on this blog- about health insurance- hell, any insurance really- and if it didn’t exist, we’d all be better able to afford things). 

If this little example doesn’t make it crystal clear that the health care in this country is fucked up, I don’t know what will. It makes me angry that there are people in the USA that don’t have health insurance or prescription drug coverage.  What on Earth are they supposed to do?  What if they need a medicine like this to keep them alive?  Where are they supposed to turn? 

The whole thing makes me sick!!

 

So, why is it called Lovenox?

Is this one of those marketing instances where they use words that are the OPPOSITE of what the product really is?  So when I think about Lovenox I am to be fooled because of the “love” in Lovenox? Instead of how the drug sort of burns on the way in? 

Seriously- this drug sort of sucks.  I know I can’t really say for sure after only injecting it once last night, but I already feel like I got punched in the gut where the Lovenox was injected.  Although, on the positive side, I haven’t bruised… yet.

First IUI went down this AM.. second IUI tomorrow AM.  Of course, this all has to take place during the two days of the week that are a little crazy.  I was a little nervous I would have had to take Maddie with my tomorrow for IUI #2 (I really REALLY don’t want to bring her in to the room with me- I can only imagine the gems that would come out of her mouth).  Thankfully my Dad is saving the day and keeping an eye on Maddie at the shop for an hour or so.  Phew!

Other than my new routine of stabbing myself in the gut, nothing else is really going on.  John has been rocking on job interviews- the past few weeks getting 2 and 3 a week- which is really great!  Hopefully he will have something really soon.  His last severance payment hits the account next week and I’m trying not to get nervous at the notion of not having his regular pay. 

Oh- if you are thinking- “maybe trying to get pregnant while husband is out of work isn’t a good idea”… shut up!  It isn’t that I don’t care, but I sort of don’t care.  I’m trusting the big man upstairs on this one.  I just KNOW John’s getting a job soon and I’m not putting any baby making plans on hold (especially since it has been taking FOREVER).

I hauled my ass to the treadmill this morning pre-IUI…. It’s my weight watchers resolution for the week, to exercise at LEAST 3 times- which I have done… but want to fit in an AM jog tomorrow and Thursday so weigh-in isn’t a complete and utter “fuck me” moment.. ya know?  Still not tracking or writing down.  I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me?

 

puke-tacular!!!!

OK, so I haven’t puked yet- but damn does this letrozole make me sick to my stomach… it’s like having morning sickness without any of the joys of knowing that you’re actually expecting.  Fun!  The only upside is that the queasiness goes away as soon as the pills stop.. only two more days.  Taking the pills at night is supposed to make the side effects less severe.   I can only imagine how I would feel if I took them in the AM!

In other news, got a call from my insurance that they are sending the Lovenox mail order. Please keep your fingers crossed that they cover it and the co-pay is manageable.

For the 10 Lotrozole pills (brand name femara) the co-pay is $30.00.  It says on the paper work that my insurance saved me $110.00!  So let me get this straight- each pill costs $14.00?  Does that not sound super ridiculous to you or what?  Where do companies get their pricing from anyway, their asses?

Oh, and here’s another thing that pisses me off… you ever look at the statements you get from your insurance company?  How is it that the doctor charges $350 for something and then accepts $75.00 for it from the insurance company- but if you don’t have insurance you have to pay $350?  Shouldn’t it be the other way around?  Is the cost of the doctor’s service even rooted in reality?

This type of thing drives me crazy.  It’s as if you go to the car dealer and ask how much the car is and they say it’s $1 million but you can give me $25k for it… retarded.

Maybe we wouldn’t have a health insurance crisis if doctors priced their services based on reality- not based on how much they would LIKE to earn. 

Also- say if I wanted to get IVF… if it was covered by insurance, the insurance company would pay out (I’m guessing here) about $3k or so.. and that’s probably a high estimate.  But because my insurance company doesn’t cover it, I have to pay $8k out of pocket.

Now, I know doctor’s offices are contractually obligated to NOT charge patients without insurance the same as people with insurance (because if they did this, why have health insurance)… but maybe they can narrow it down a little?  Instead of there being a $5k difference for the same service, how about a $1k difference.  Then, maybe people wouldn’t have to go bankrupt to go to the doctor! 

Instead of making health insurance more affordable why don’t we make going to the doctor more affordable without insurance?  

Sorry for the vent- maybe it’s because I feel like retching that I’m going off- not to mention I think the lotrozole plays with your hormones too, because yesterday I wanted to rip my father’s face off for no good reason.!

 

on to cycle 2

Thanks to my admonishing of my menstrual cycle in my last blog, good old Aunt Flo showed up Friday afternoon- EXACTLY the same as the cycle prior.  Pretty weird for my body to be THAT on schedule.  Called up the fertility specialist and got an appointment for yesterday- on day 4 of my cycle.

The doctor visit was pretty much status quo: blood work drawn and a sonogram to make sure I didn’t have any residual cysts from the last cycle.  I didn’t- so I’m onto cycle 2 with the fertility specialist.

This month calls for 5 days of lotrozole (sort of like clomid, but doesn’t thin the lining out), daily baby aspirin, daily metformin (1500 mg), a metanx pill, and of course prenatal vitamins.  Next week, I’ll be back to the doc for more monitoring, to see if I have a good egg.  If this cycle is the same as last cycle, I should have a good one ready by next Monday, which means I’ll take the HCG trigger Monday night and have an IUI on Tuesday and one on Wednesday.  My doctor also wants me to start lovenox injections once I trigger.  Fun.

The doc said the metformin has a cumulative effect over time, so the longer I’m on it, the better my egg quality will be.  I asked the doctor if we should strive for more than 1 follie, and he said at this point, it wasn’t necessary- but might be something we’d discuss down the road.

Oh- and about the lovenox injections, in case anyone wanted to know why it was added to the protocol.  When I went for the blood work last week, my beta came up a 2.  He said from that level, he could safely assume the egg fertilized, but it didn’t implant.  The lovenox is supposed to help with this.

We shall see!

 

dear period

It’s official- you are a mega bitch!  Not because I’ve officially been told by the doctor that I’m not pregnant.. I’ve made peace with that.  You’re a bitch because even though I know I’m not pregnant, and I’ve had MULTIPLE cues as to your arrival, you aren’t showing up!!!!

Where the hell are you?  Why do you have to draw this whole cycle out.  I’m done with this cycle, I want to start the next one, and once again have some small glimmer of hope that we’re going to be successful!

I’m even prepared for you to show up at your usual 3am (yeah that’s another reason why you’re a bitch, because you have to show up at 3am when I’m sleeping and comfortable and go from nonexistence to sticking a damn knife in my ovary).  I have my heating pad ready to go and everything.  But no- every morning I wake up and am amazed that you aren’t here yet.

Seriously- stop being a bitch and bring this cycle to an end so we can start over!

 

And the results are in (well, almost all of them)

Today I had an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).  After dealing with a regular OB/GYN for the past year trying to get pregnant, meeting with the RE was, pardon the pun, a breath of fresh air.

He immediately went through all my records that were THANKFULLY faxed over from my OB/GYN and came to a partial conclusion that I have PCOS (poly cystic ovaries).  I’ve always had an inkling this would be the case, as insulin issues run in the family (my dad is borderline diabetic) and I had gestational diabetes when pregnant with Madeline.

The doctor did a sonogram and my ovaries were, indeed, filled with cysts.  He said that my uterine lining was nice and thick though- and that was something I was super duper nervous about.  The doctor went over my HSG results as well, and also noticed the fibroid that my OB/GYN told me about.  He wants to go ahead and do a Hysteroscopy on Friday to check it out.  He said in some cases fibroids could act as IUDs- and trying to get pregnant we certainly don’t want that to be the case!

At the office, the doctor took the rest of the blood work to confirm the PCOS diagnosis.  Once fully and completely diagnosed, I’ll go on metformin to help my insulin resistance.  The RE also has me going for some bloods to check if I have any clotting disorders- he was a little concerned that I went into labor early and had a crash section because of it- and he just wants to rule out issues now.

Oh- I want to put this out there because if the RE didn’t tell me, I’d have no idea- if  you have intense ovulation pain and take Advil/Ibuprofen while trying to get pregnant, oftentimes the Advil destroys the egg!  I had no idea- there were a few months were the pain was so intense that I took the Advil.   Just something to keep in mind if you’re trying to conceive.

 

What a difference a day makes….

I feel better; a little more hopeful.  I suppose it doesn’t help that you have your period when you have to deal with your period; holy emotional roller coaster!  I went to church this morning, and instead of feeling that my faith was shaken, I felt that it was stronger.  I was reminded of how much in my life has “come together”… How God’s perfect timing just won’t allow me to doubt him.  I have too much proof that He’s there and He knows what is going on.

So maybe that sounds dorky to a lot of people… but I really don’t care- I know it is true.

I also realized that this doesn’t just hurt me, it hurts John (my husband) too.  He feels just as helpless as I do… and who knows, maybe he even feels partly responsible?  

I’m glad I have this blog; in getting my feelings out onto this blog, it allows me to not carry them around inside. And that is certainly a good thing.

 

hard time.

I have a hard time being around women that can get pregnant so easily.   I don’t mean to be such a bitch about it, but I do.  It’s been a long 14 months now, trying to get pregnant- and I can’t help feel pissed, helpless, broken and just defeated.  All these emotions are no good to be carrying around; they do nothing for my spirit- or my emotional outlook, for that matter.   I’m trying to not “be selfish”.  I know there are plenty of couples that have problems conceiving their first, so why should I be entitled to number two?

That’s what is so lonely about secondary infertility: those who have problems conceiving their first have no pity on you, those who have no problem conceiving period just don’t get it; try harder they say… or, don’t think about it, or just have sex on “these” specific days, or just relax.   When you have secondary infertility, who do you complain to? Who do you vent to?  Who do you talk to, and honestly say, I feel broken, I feel hopeless.  How do you get back that hope? 

On one hand, I can see myself spending all I have to go through IVF and have another child.  On the other hand, I almost feel like I can take that same money, and just be done with it; take out all my reproductive organs and never have to live through a two week wait again.

This past cycle hit me like a ton of bricks.  I really thought this was it; I was late and I thought I finally had the positive pregnancy test I’ve been praying for every Sunday.  I wrote it in the fucking petition book in Church for christ sakes. Isn’t the power of prayer supposed to work?  I hate to be such a sad sack, but I simply feel abandoned.   Abandoned by God; and maybe that’s harsh, but I really feel that way.  It isn’t pretty, to lose hope.  

What’s worse, is no one understands, no one can say, I’ve been there.  I don’t know anyone that’s been through secondary infertility.  And everyone around me is super fertile, so they can’t help.  

I pray I get answers.  I hope I have the strength to make it through this test.  It’s really, really difficult…

 

Another Month Bites the Dust

What a bummer, I really thought this month was our month!  When I woke up yesterday and I didn’t yet have my period I thought there was a HUGE possibility that I could be pregnant.  But, alas, my period came just after Maddie was finished with school.  Another month gone. 

I have come to the conclusion that there really isn’t much my regular OB can do for me.  That I need to see a Reproductive Endocronologist. It’s time to face the music here; we’ve been trying for 14 months now- it only took us 2 months to get pregnant with Maddie.  There’s a problem.

In my heart, I think I have adhesions from my c-section that is making it impossible for an egg to implant.  The only way to see these adhesions is to undergo laproscopic surgery.  I really think this is something I need to get done. 

I made an appointment for an initial consultation.  I am praying and hoping that I don’t have to go the IVF route as we don’t have insurance coverage right now, nor to we have the monetary resources to pay for it.  Well, we do have the money, but it would clean us out, and I don’t know if, in this current economic cycle, it’s smart to have $0 in savings.

So, I requested all my records be faxed over to the new doctor; the good news is a lot of the testing has already been done by my OB- so at least that’s out of the way.

I’m trying to stay positive- but every month the disappointment just adds on to this black pit of sadness I’ve been carrying around.  Sometimes, it is just hard to look on the bright side.  And of course, my hormones aren’t helping things!