it’s all coming together, or falling to pieces….

Ugh.. what a week.  It’s Friday eve and I just can’t wait for Saturday to hurry up and GET here already.

Maddie has come down with some strange, viral cough that’s making its way through school-age children everywhere; every kid at the doctor’s office yesterday was hacking a lung.  Not pretty.  At the night, the cough turns nasty… croup-ish.  You know, all barking seal.  As I type I hear her barking away; before you call CPS, she’s with her Daddy.. I’m not neglecting her!

She’s been on the nebulizer every 4 or 5 hours since Tuesday night.  It seems to be of some help, although I wish there was something I could give her to make the frequency of her hacking just slightly less, for her sanity and for mine.  For a kid that’s coughing every, say, 17 seconds, she’s in pretty good spirits.  She’s still playing, insisting on dressing up and changing outfits.  She’s missed school Wednesday and will miss again tomorrow… I feel a little bad for her- but I don’t want to be “THAT” mother that sends the kid to school hacking.   After all it’s pre-school.. she’s not going to miss anything life-changing.

Had two doctor appointments this week… one perinatologist, one OB.  The peri is switching me off the Lovenox and onto twice-daily Heparin injections.  Apparently Lovenox stays in the system longer, and wouldn’t allow me to get a spinal for the c-section… nice.  We’re all a little bit nervous since I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and had Maddie at 36 weeks, 4 days.  Everything that started to happen with Maddie is happening again; my blood pressure is starting to creep up and my hands/feet are starting to swell.  I have an appointment with my OB on Monday- I’ll have done a 24-hour urine collection Sunday through Monday to check for toxemia… hopefully everything will be OK.  Tuesday I visit the peri to learn how to shoot myself with the Heparin.

The good news is the baby is big- mid 6 pounds.. already a pound on its sister at birth.  I saw from the sonogram earlier this week that the baby is also starting to practice breathing.  Another good sign.

Of course, now I feel like I’m starting to come down with whatever Maddie has (it sure doesn’t help that we’ve all been sleeping in the same bed, right)?

In between all of this Maddie has her first dentist appointment on Monday (hopefully she’ll have stopped hacking) and on Wednesday we’re supposed to go see the new Disney Princess movie in NYC- The Princess and the Frog. Afterwards we’re going to the Roseland for a “Disney Princess” experience.   Hopefully the whole thing will be worth the $50/ticket.

There are some last minute odds-and-ends that have to get done in the nursery.  I went through all the clothing I had from Maddie and pulled whatever was gender neutral.. if this baby is a boy major shopping will have to take place!  There is still nothing on the walls- hopefully John will address that this weekend (the never ending honey-do list).

Of course Thanksgiving is in the middle of this too.. might as well just keep piling it on, right?

On top of all the baby/health/Maddie stuff, I’m sort of in the middle of some type of friend crisis.. or, a crisis on my part.  Who knows, it could be my current emotional state, but I’ve been so sad about this all week.  And angry.  It is the disappointment of thinking you had one kind of friend, and then realizing you had another.  I feel like I’m walking around with a black pit in my stomach that makes me want to alternate between cursing out and crying.. so I’ve done neither.  I suppose it’s just best to leave the whole thing alone and see what happens.  If this person does eventually “come around” I’ll have to figure out what to do then.. to start the cycle again, and let this person back into my life… or not.  I just can’t help but think a real friendship shouldn’t be this difficult.  Or painful.

If I don’t write for a few days- then assume I’ve given birth….  I’ll update when I can.

 

still in the no lap-top abyss

My laptop is still under repair.. I’m starting to get major withdrawal symptoms, and it’s totally no fun using my husbands old-ass Dell (even though my Powerbook is equally as old).

I still have a bunch of photos in my camera that I can’t upload- which stinks.

The latest and greatest are:

1) Maddie went #2 in the potty this AM- totally shocking- thought she was going to do another teeny tiny pee- and there was a log in there!  We’re getting somewhere!

2) Grandparents were up from FLA for a visit- had a great time- and took awesome 4-generation pictures at Picture People- something to treasure always (although still can’t figure out how everyone – my mom, grandma, and daughter- all have curly hair, and I do not).

3) baby is kicking more & and more.. sort of hurts sometimes though- maybe it IS a boy?

 

technological difficulties…

Not sure if you’ve notice- but I haven’t been posting any pictures lately.  I haven’t posted pictures ’cause I cannot upload any of my photos to my laptop because.. well.. after about 6 years my laptop is FULL!!!! 

Yup, that’s right- thanks to thousands of media files (photos, songs, videos) my hard drive has reached it’s maximum capacity.  At first I was thinking I had to get a new laptop.. but seriously, with bean #2 on its way, plunking down $1k for a macbook really isn’t in the cards right now.

Thankfully I found someone very, very highly recommended and reasonable to replace my hard drive and transfer my data; hopefully I’ll have my revamped powerbook back soon!

Once I do, I’ll post some photos of what’s been happenin’ recently!

 

waiting room

Oh, how I loathe thee, OB/GYN doctor’s waiting room.  Your chairs are uncomfortable, and not nearly plentiful enough; they are also too close together, allowing me to get a nasty whiff of my neighbor, just in from a smoke (thanks for stinking out the waiting room filled with pregnant women, you idiot).  The TV is never tuned to a good channel, and you don’t offer any magazines to read, while I languish for over an hour for my appointment.

I might like you better if I didn’t have to spend so much time with you.  I don’t understand why I have to wait until 11:45 for a 10:30 appointment.  I don’t even know why the doctor calls them appointments, more like, “rough estimation of when I *might* get to you, but will, in all likely hood, be much, much later.” 

I also don’t understand why every single woman has to bring her “people” with her to the OB/GYN… now, I understand maybe your 1st OB appointment and maybe your last OB appointments… but every fucking OB appointment?  One woman had her mother, her sister and her sister’s kid with her.  Is that REALLY necessary?  Is it really necessary for you to take up 4 of 20 seats in a waiting room- 3 of which filled with people that aren’t seeing the doctor?

I wouldn’t have to peseverate on the other waiting room peeps if the doctor would just KEEP HIS SCHEDULE.  Or, at least have a magazine or two available, so I can mind my own business and not have to have fuck-you conversations with “Ms. Bring-Her-Whole-Family” or “Mrs. I-smell-like-a-dirty-ashtray.” 

That’s right waiting room- I HATE you… see you in four weeks!

 

hot fun in the summertime

This weekend my mother took Maddie to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway.  I know what you’re thinking, who spends $80 and takes a 2 1/2 year old to a Broadway show.  My mother.

We were prepared as we could be.  Mom downloaded the soundtrack and Maddie must have listened to the entire CD, beginning-to-end about 20,000 times.  Mom reported that Maddie clutched her play bill and smiled furiously when the overture started and she recognized the music.  Already,  a little musician in the making.

Maddie was all decked out in her new Gap dress (yeah, it was like $30- but so adorable, no?).  I think she looks like Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company (now I’m dating myself).

I didn’t see the show with Mom and Maddie- I took the opportunity to hike my ass uptown to get a prenatal massage at Bliss Spa on 57th Street.  I was soooo looking forward to my prenatal massage, and while it was wonderful the effects of said massage really only lasted for like 3 hours- and then I felt all tight and wound up again.  Not to mention, I slept like shit that night (like I normally do) and had a big fuck-you fight blow out with my pregnancy pillow (what a piece of shit).

I thought I had a gift card left over to Bliss from a few Christmases ago (their gift cards never expire).  Of course, when it was time to pay, the card came up invalid.  The spa staff did some digging around with their I.T. department, and it turns out that when my gift was purchased online, there were some technical problems and the gift-givers credit card was never charged.  That’s right, my gift card was a blank.

Given that it’s 2 1/2 years later- I’m not going to SAY anything to the gift giver- ’cause that would be really shitty.  Thank god I had the cash on me to cover the $160 massage + tip.  And it WAS a really great experience to just bop around town and do what I wanted WHEN I wanted (well, within the confines of the 2 1/2 hours the show took).

We also took Maddie to the big Toys R Us at Times Square- they have a most awesome ferris wheel inside that we didn’t get to ride (too long of a line)- but Maddie WAS completely happy to ride the escalators instead.

Come on, how cute is THAT face.

 

hormonal and what not

I would be lying if I didn’t fess up and say that this pregnancy has totally made me a head case.  I am really trying to maintain a level head but my mood can turn in an instant- and it’s slightly scary!

Just sitting here trying to think of a fun topic to write about has me stressing.. how ridiculous is that! 

Because I don’t have the emotional fortitude to sit down and come up with something brilliant (like my 4th of July post, seriously- that was good, right?)… I’m just gonna rattle off a list of crap that has been going on or I’ve noticed.

1)  Last week at my perinatologist appointment I was reading a feature in TIME magazine about marriage and came across a quote that was super meaningful to me, and slightly vindicating in the face of all the divorces out there:  “a lasting marriage is the reward, usually, of hard work and self sacrifice.”  I don’t think, as a society, we much have the “stuff” it takes to self sacrifice anymore.  Or, if anything, it isn’t exactly taught to us.  We’ve somehow become an instant gratification society- in addition we always want to be happy.  If we aren’t happy all the time, we move on.  When I read this I thought “a ha!!!” …  I’d like to think John and I have a great marriage- but it certainly isn’t easy and it isn’t always fun.. but it is ALWAYS worth it.

2)  Again at the perinatologist- apparently the blood flow to the placenta isn’t where it should be.  So, if it doesn’t pick up next week, I’ll have to take the Lovenox shots 2 times a day instead of just one.  God help my poor bruised stomach.

3)  Waiting on line today at the McDonald’s drive thru Maddie impatiently demanded that I “go go go”.  I said I couldn’t, we had to wait our turn.  She said, “no mommy it IS our turn.”  I said no, we have to wait.  She said, “mother fuck, what the hell.”  I guess they really ARE sponges.

4)  Speaking of Maddie- she’s just the most delicious little girl- and even though my nerves are completely shot from this pregnancy and I have a really short fuse… she’s SUCH a good girl!  She’s also really super funny (cussing aside) and I’m so proud to be her mama.  I hope I’m not completely ruining her world by giving her a sibling.  I just have visions one day down the road her saying, “mom, what the hell- why’d you have to have another, wasn’t I enough?”  And I guess it’s because she is enough, we were compelled to have another!

 

completely addicted

John and I are completely addicted to True Blood.  We recently started watching Season One on DVD (thanks to Netflix) and we hooked after the 1st episode.  It’s just a really, really good show.

I think central to the “goodness” is the tension between Bill and Sookie; I’m not going to spoil anything here- but if you haven’t given True Blood a chance, please do!  Each episode leaves us wanting more- and some scenes are so steamy hot they leave me panting!

I’ve come to the conclusion that, until my daughter is like 8 or 9 I won’t be able to really watch and enjoy movies.  They are just too long and I’m too tired at the end of the day to watch something for over an hour.  That’s what is great with  HBO/Showtime “shows”‘ – they’re an hour long.  Just long enough for me to pay attention with major plot to keep me entertained. 

We just got back from Sesame Street Place yesterday.  We spent two days and had a blast.  Maddie really tore the place up; she went on almost all the water rides (that she was allowed to go on by law) and was obsessed with the carousel.  What’s with it with kids and rides that go in circles?  Seriously- I went on with her and was ready to spew the bucket o’popcorn I consumed while walking around the park (sooo delish by the way and super salty).  I wonder what the age is where going around in circles goes from fun to puke inducing?  Twenty?  Older? Suggestions?

By the time we got home yesterday Maddie was in full-out Satan mode.  I kid you not- take the kid out of her routine for too long and the devil overtakes her.  I was ready to call the local priest for an exorcism; she was acting like a maniac- biting me, hiting me, and LAUGHING about it!  If that isn’t demonic, I don’t know WHAT is.

She did eventually calm down and we were able to hit our local sushi spot for dinner.  Can I just pause here and say how absolutely DEPRESSING it is to eat sushi while pregnant?  I have taken to putting spicy mayo on all the cooked rolls; that is how much I crave a spicy tuna roll!

Anyway- the Sesame trip was exactly what I needed; while not exactly relaxing, it did cool me out enough so that when I woke up this morning (faced with John’s return to work, my Peri appt, etc) I did NOT freak out, but got me & Maddie together in a calm, orderly fashion.

Maybe that freak-out attack from last week did the trick!

 

insanity

After 6 months of unemployment, my husband is finally back on the job!  He started this week as a National Sales Manager for a non-alcoholic beverage manufacturer.  He’s super excited as he really wanted to get into food/consumer-packaged goods- and now he finally is!

Of course- there is always Ying-and-Yang with life.. and what was my once, looking-back-on-it, easy existence of having a house-husband (who did errands, cleaned, did laundry… how awesome is my husband, right) has been thrown helter-skelter!  The husband has to use our only car to get to work- so I am left to rely on my mother, like an 11 year old, to get rides to and from the shop.   Tuesdays and Thursdays I bring Maddie with me- as I type she’s sleeping behind me on a futon…. snug as a bug all wrapped up like a burrito under the air conditioner. 

Aside from the craziness of not having a car- and trying to figure out when to get to the supermarket, do things I need to do, etc…. I am on Maddie duty from 7:15 am until 7:00 pm (of course, 3 days a week my mom has her from 10:30 to 5:00 which is huuuuggge)…regardless, it is exhausting!

It’s hard living two worlds at once:  the full-time working woman AND the almost-full-time mom.  One or the other is tough- but both at the same time is just mind-blowing.  My house has fallen to shit and smells like a dog’s ass (God I know this sounds awful but can you just make all the pets either go to sleep and not wake up or send some Saint to adopt them?). 

By the time dinner rolls around I am too exhausted- both physically and emotionally- to even give a rat’s ass.. I’m content to feed Maddie whatever she wants and then air pop myself some popcorn and park it in front of season one of True Blood (everyone is right- it’s soooo awesome).  What? Maddie wants M&Ms and chocolate milk for dinner? At least I don’t have to turn on the stove!

I’m sure the whole situation seems even more overwhelming through my emotionally-overloaded pregnant brain…  (God help me if I even get an iota of the slight “baby blues” I got after Maddie ’cause I will seriously go ballistic).  My mom told me to “calm down” this morning as I am negatively effecting my unborn fetus with my stress and I was ready to reach over and start a cat fight…. or cry like a retard… which I did (although honestly, a cat fight would’ve at LEAST gotten rid of some of my pent up aggression.. shit).  Which made me wonder- how the fuck did she act when she was pregnant with me if I am such a basket case?  Probably the same, no?

I know, traditionally, when faced with any type of life change I have to lose my shit for a little while, have a melt down- and then I’m ok.  I’ve been like this for as long as I remember and it is just the way I deal with changes in my day-to-day life.  Is it the best way? Probably not- but I think I’m gonna need a little time to get used to this new routine- and it probably means a lot of cursing, foot stomping and deep breathing routines.

 

musings of an insomniac

When I was a little girl, it seemed my great-grandmother never slept.  You could barely whisper “grandma” in the night, and she would answer you right away, not a hint of sleep in her voice.  It was actually a running family joke; great-grandma, I’m sure, foiled many a late-night sneak-in for my mother, aunts and uncles. 

All these years later, who would have thought that great-grandma’s constant state of near-awake coherence is actually a family trait with mid-life onset.  My grandmother, my mother, and now me… we all have this problem. 

I bring this up because lately, especially, it seems like I’ve been sleeping with one eye open.  The mere chirp of a pre-dawn robin is enough to blast my eyes open and sentence me for 2 hours of pre-dawn pondering.

That’s what happened this morning, one of the cats jumped in the bed and it was enough to send me into some type of life analysis… never a good thing at 4am.  This morning’s topic?  Stewardship.  I was thinking about stewardship because it’s been the running theme of the past few week’s homilies at church. 

One website states:  

The word “stewardship” refers to the Catholic approach to the gifts that God has bestowed upon us.  Stewardship is living out a commitment to be Christ-centered rather than self-centered.  Profound gratitude, justice and love become the fundamental motives for giving back to God.

 

Now, I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty heavy stuff… isn’t it human nature to be self-centered?  Or, if not self-centered, at least family-centered, or maybe work-centered?  But Christ-centered?  I’m not sure I even know how to DO that! 

 

I wonder, does raising a family count as giving back to God?  Or how about going to church?  How much is enough?  Does God measure these things, is there a minimum you can do to get by?  I was thinking of maybe starting a new-mother support group at church- just get a bunch of moms together to talk- to stay connected with other moms and maybe not feel so burnt-out or crazy.

 

Whether any of this stuff comes to fruition isn’t even the point- the point is- this is what I was thinking about at 4am.  Nothing stupid like whether Jon & Kate are going to stay together or not.. no.. the nature of pleasing God.  Where does this stuff come from?

 

haters

I would be lying if I said we weren’t going through a tough, stressful time.  John’s job prospects aren’t looking great, although in his defense he has gotten WAY more interviews and response to his resume than many other laid-off people that I know.  The job market, and the economy in general, is just really, really slow.

Every once in a while the sense of panic starts creeping up and over takes me.  I really try to stay calm, because lets face it- having an anxiety attack isn’t going to solve anything.  But then I look at John, and I look at Maddie, and I know we are going to be OK.  We are going to come through this, and when we get to the other side, our marriage and our family is going to be stronger.

With that said, it really pisses me off when family members talk smack about my husband and my family.  If anything, they should be jealous- my husband never fails to help out- he is kind, generous, and caring.  He is self aware and completely selfless.  He does laundry and the dishes for goodness sakes!  He gives as much time to Maddie as he possible can without going insane.  So when I hear that certain family members of mine are suggesting he might not be looking for a job hard enough (when, in fact, his job IS looking for a job) or that he should take a job bagging at the supermarket… it pisses me off. 

It pisses me off AND depresses me, because families should build each other up and be there for each other.. not pull each other down.

I can’t wait until we come through this and prove all these haters wrong… then they’ll all be super jealous.