musings of an insomniac

When I was a little girl, it seemed my great-grandmother never slept.  You could barely whisper “grandma” in the night, and she would answer you right away, not a hint of sleep in her voice.  It was actually a running family joke; great-grandma, I’m sure, foiled many a late-night sneak-in for my mother, aunts and uncles. 

All these years later, who would have thought that great-grandma’s constant state of near-awake coherence is actually a family trait with mid-life onset.  My grandmother, my mother, and now me… we all have this problem. 

I bring this up because lately, especially, it seems like I’ve been sleeping with one eye open.  The mere chirp of a pre-dawn robin is enough to blast my eyes open and sentence me for 2 hours of pre-dawn pondering.

That’s what happened this morning, one of the cats jumped in the bed and it was enough to send me into some type of life analysis… never a good thing at 4am.  This morning’s topic?  Stewardship.  I was thinking about stewardship because it’s been the running theme of the past few week’s homilies at church. 

One website states:  

The word “stewardship” refers to the Catholic approach to the gifts that God has bestowed upon us.  Stewardship is living out a commitment to be Christ-centered rather than self-centered.  Profound gratitude, justice and love become the fundamental motives for giving back to God.

 

Now, I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty heavy stuff… isn’t it human nature to be self-centered?  Or, if not self-centered, at least family-centered, or maybe work-centered?  But Christ-centered?  I’m not sure I even know how to DO that! 

 

I wonder, does raising a family count as giving back to God?  Or how about going to church?  How much is enough?  Does God measure these things, is there a minimum you can do to get by?  I was thinking of maybe starting a new-mother support group at church- just get a bunch of moms together to talk- to stay connected with other moms and maybe not feel so burnt-out or crazy.

 

Whether any of this stuff comes to fruition isn’t even the point- the point is- this is what I was thinking about at 4am.  Nothing stupid like whether Jon & Kate are going to stay together or not.. no.. the nature of pleasing God.  Where does this stuff come from?

 

Jesus

As part of RCIA, we were asked to write a letter to Jesus, and then write a letter back to ourselves as if Jesus were writing it  (did ya get that)?  I thought I’d try- and get into the Holy Season spirit.

Dear Jesus,

Hey, what’s up? 

Happy almost death and resurrection! 

It’s almost Easter.  I have to admit, although you know already, that my Lenten promise to be more kind and less of a gossip isn’t going so well.  Why do “bitchy” things just come out of my mouth so easy with minimal effort?  I find it so easy to give in terms of money and food- but not so easy to give in kindness and having an open heart. 

It seems being judgmental is second nature; I oftentimes “catch” myself thinking in a judgmental way and have to go back and “undo” my thinking.  This really troubles me as I would like to be, and would like to think of myself as, a truly nice person.  I’d also like to think of myself as a patient person, but it seems like I don’t have much patience these days.  Could you send down a “super sized” portion for me?  I could surely use it- especially when Maddie gets the way You know she can get!

It is difficult to see You in the world we live in today; so many bad things happening, so many people hurting.  The news reports are almost always negative and heartbreaking.  I try to see You in my daughter’s smile and laughter, my husband’s kindness towards me, and the smiles of strangers.  It saddens me that fears in and of this world overtake the joys so easily.  And if I feel this way, and try to be positive, how must other people feel?  I’m sure they hurt even more.

And even though I might not always say it or think it, thank you for everything I have. I know I am truly blessed, and this blessing is from you. 

Love, Dina.